A reflection in three parts: Part 1
Ever since I came back from my last teaching opportunity with Grace Seminary I have been struggling with being still. It has been the reason, or at least I would like it to be the reason for why I have not posted since then. March came in like a lion - not the weather but ministry. An all church Seder Supper, Resurrection Sunday, a new English service...I have been busy. But I have been wrestless in my spirit for some reason. Probably worse than I have ever been in my spiritual life.
I am so grateful that I don't have a schedule that produces ulcers and stress induced heart attacks. Unfortunately that was called "my thirties." I now have time to do all those things that I have dreamed about doing, e.g. reading, writing, praying, planning, etc... All good things. All good things that I am presently doing. But in the midst of these things I find a spirit that yearns for something more. I know that this answer will not be found solely in the external things of life. That would be easy.
I know that the vast majority of this is within. It is as John of Damascus wrote, "the dark night of the soul." Unfortunately this is not exactly true for I have way too much light at present to be found in such a disparaging place.
I have found solace in the words of this particular verse - "Be still." In the strict context I know that it has to do with the cessation of war and God's supremacy among the nations, but it is a war that I am dealing with and so I find it appropriate.
What does it mean to "be still"? If I told my kids this when they were younger it would mean, "Stop squirming; stop moving around." I get the distinct impression that God is saying the same thing to this kid. In the midst of squirming we become distracted and often miss the important things around us. In the midst of squirming we also irritate those around us. You should pray for my wife.
Perhaps looking at some other Scriptures would help clarify this command.
Exodus 14:14, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
It tells me that there is a war going on - a war that brings conflict, pain, injury, sorrow, grief, uncertainty.
It also tells me that I'm not alone and more than that - I don't need to take up arms for the LORD is fighting on my behalf.
There is a sense of relief in knowing that there is a sure victory over my enemy.
It is also a criticism. I will lose if...when...I believe it is my fight. It is a passive victory which is perhaps the hardest for prideful men like myself to acquire.
The battle is the LORD's because He will get the glory not me. The battle is the LORD's because there will only be one hero in this divine narrative. Be still.
Finding the discarded Law of Moses, Ezra the priest began to read and the people began to grieve understanding how far they had moved away from the things of the Lord.
Nehemiah 8:11, "The Levites calmed all the people saying, 'Be still, for this is a sacred day. Do not grieve."
This verse tells me to be calm. In the midst of revelation, where the divine plan of God is revealed, there is no need for agitation. There is no need of second guessing or "what-ifs."
I think this leads into part two of this verse, "and know..." so I'll not chase that dragon until I need to slay it. Just a heads up...I think we live in the middle of knowing and not knowing, obeying and seeking, trusting and hoping. Perhaps this is the squirmy part after all.
Psalm 37:7a, "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..."
"Being still"is connected to "waiting patiently for something...for him."
Perhaps this is the greatest lesson about "being still." I am waiting for something. And I will continue to wait for something until I figure out that it isn't a something after all but a someone. When that someone shows up the something will be cared for and probably beyond my expectations.
For this old farm kid who is accustomed to hard work and a clear goal it is one of the most difficult things that I have had to do. I need to know what is next. Idleness is the death of me just as busyness without direction will kill me.
I am so blessed. I am blessed with a great wife and family. I am blessed with good health. I am blessed with a fairly intelligent mind. I love what I do for a living and am so privilege to do it with people who appreciate it.
An outsider would surely tell me to "Shut up" and "be thankful." If they only knew that I have shut up and I am thankful. But that doesn't fix the spiritual agitation that calls for something deeper, something sweeter, that will, in the end, make all those above blessings even richer.
So for now I will seek and pray that I might understand what it means to let the LORD do the fighting, to be calm, to wait patiently for...Him, and to resist the temptation to wait for it. I will "be....." I won't lie...its just not there yet.
"There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God,
A place where sin cannot molest, near to the heart of God.
O Jesus, blest Redeemer, sent from the heart of God,
Hold me, I wait before Thee, near to the heart of God.
There is a place of full release, near to the heart of God.
A place where all is joy and sweet, near to the heart of God.
O Jesus, blest Redeemer, sent from the heart of God.
Hold me, I wait before Thee, near to the heart of God."
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